I Was Today Year's Old

It's my birthday today. If you know me, you probably know this fact. I'm not quiet about it because birthdays are amazing and have always been a very exciting thing for me. It seems to throw people, but they just are. 

I've always thought it's because it was an excuse to get all my friends from different places together, and the sadness I've felt on my birthday since moving to Canada (which has diminished every year with a growing list of wonderful people in my life) would support that argument. 

It's also definitely an excuse to splurge a little. As a kid, my parents were great at making it special with a mix of traditions, and often at least one present I thought I was being a bit cheeky asking for. My family did very modestly OK and this meant that birthdays and Christmas treats were very exciting.

But this birthday has been different. There's no unexplainable 'wake up jitters' that remind me of being 7 years old or obsessively holding on to gifts and cards to open them on my actual birthday. There's also no sadness at spending it alone (which would have been a thing in the past, even after my hype joint party on Saturday, and the prospect I had of seeing my favourite dinner companion in the evening).

Maybe last year's moderated COVID birthday and Christmas celebrations we're good stepping stones. Maybe living alone now has something to do with it. Maybe I'm 'over' birthdays (I hope not!) But honestly, I think maybe, it's because I'm content. Better yet, happy.

Life is not perfect; I haven't seen my family in too many days, I'm not hugely happy with my weight right now (but also far happier with fluctuation with the acknowledgement that this will likely be my final feminist hurdle), my back has been in reasonably consistent pain for the last few months, which also means I haven't run since my last race, and I currently need to buy both a replacement cell phone and laptop (IYKYK) on what is not a corporate wage. 

Yes, I also have HUGE privilege, and I remind myself of that every day. But accounting for all these things, I think I'm baseline happy. And so while my birthday is a wonderful reason to enjoy time with friends, and I will always see presents as exciting and hugely generous, I think this content, happy feeling has more to do with not having the need for the excitement, just being truly grateful for it when it comes along, and content with the small things too, like the perfect birthday breakfast sandwich, people taking the time to message me, buy me candles, and having a day off to myself. 

So yes, I was today years old when I realised I was happy - definitely the best birthday present I could ask for.